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grief
November 2009 
What has your experience been of loss or grief?
Posted on Aug 19th, 2008
by 
Mikey_Dee
Mikey_Dee
This is in Response to the Questions and Reflections for July 19, 2008:
I have lost something precious and am still grieving. It may be a neverending process.
I used to be a healthy, fit sporty individual, until it all fell apart on Dec 31st 3 YEARS AGO. I have lesions on my brain which is why I can't be sure of the year, as my memory is banjaxed. I was an actor/singer/dancer with a satisfying career, I lived from this and loved doing it. A typical day for me was to get up at the crack of mid-morning, spend a couple of hours promising myself I would really mend my ways, & recovering slowly but surely from the previous nights excesses/ fun & froliks. I would then run through the lines for a play in my head, as I prepared a healthy breakfast of good things. Then I would canter down the four flights of steps to my letter box to see if I had received any goodies in my postbox. I expected cards from exotic places, sent by close friends, and/or distant farflung foreigners. My friends know my tastes and these cards would be used to decorate my beautiful sunny appartment, which was already decorated with cheap richness & jewels & images to within an inch of its Parisian life. Of course it being the holiday season, I expected glittery cards to continue, to add to my collection. But, I digress, and if I continue to go off on a tangent, you will probably go off in a huff. And mother nature in her wisdom, has her partical physics down to a fine art, and never the twain shall meet.
So back to a typical day: I would make myself presentable-enough to meet the world, feed & clothe my body, and check electronic & snail mail for stimulation & surprises and head to the metro (subway). I would go by train to a meeting point where I would liase with Nicki, a franco-American actress and Creative/Artistic director of the OZ theatre company- an English language theatre company specialising in TIE (theatre in Education). Then we would drive to some school in the Greater Paris Region and we would chat, exchange, & recreate the world, and find our way through morning traffic to the designated school. When we eventually found it, and discoverd where we were to perform, we would drive to the nearest door and unload the portable set & costumes. While Nicki had done all the driving, I generally did most of the hauling and carrying-"a man's job". And we set up our beautiful portable set to change a sports hall or a dining room into a theatrical space. While Nicki did her hair & Make-up I did some physical and vocal warm ups. And the Magic began. Nicki & Mike became Little & Big and danced/sang /acted their way through several Fairytales & Nursery rhymes, to the joy and fascination of several incredulous 7-12 yearolds who laughed and clapped at the appropriate moments. They also bood the Wolf or the Ogre, and shivered in excitement as the Ogre growled Ominously "I'm Hungry....."
Each show lasted 45 MINS and we then spent 20 mins or so talking to the kids & encouraging them to sing, ask questions in English. It was fun & exhausting, & rewarding, like my life in general. We did one or two shows per day- So I was exhausted, but fit & fulfilled.
This was how my days were filled. In the evenings I usually performed at the theatre, in some serious play by prestegious playwrites such as Beckett/ Wilde or Pinter or Shakespeare. And on the nights I didn't have a play I worked as a barman in a Jazz cellar in Montmartre. So in a way, it's not so surprising that my body cried out Halt, and I went into a coma, due to Meningitic Encephalitis, and spent the next year and a half in various hospitals. When I got out of the coma, I could no longer walk, talk or control even my most basic bodily functions.... yes , you got it.... And for a while I couldn't eat nor drink nor breath so I was wired up to all sortsa contraptions to keep me alive.
Ready for some good news yet? well today, I went to "La Casa del Tango" and danced with some wonderful women. And I ate & drank to my heart's & bellies delight.
I still have to take 17 pills each day, have physiotherapy three times a week and can no longer live in my beautiful glitzy appt. on the fourth floor. Now I live in whats called an ACT ( very apt for an actor) and have a small one-roomed appartment in a block of 12 apparts. run by a team of people ranging from the exceptionally competent & fabulous to the dismally dubious and Awfully abysmal. The other inmates of this outfit also range from the psycopathically pathetic to the amazingly awsome, and I have made new friends and foes.
I now have a photo ID card that says I am 80% handicapped and with each passing day I manage to prove this right and wrong to varying degrees. I am hemiplegic on the left side.
I still grieve my lost health but am aware of my luck to be stubborn & resilient, If I was given this challenge, Somebodyelse, perhaps less capable was spared.(perhaps a family member or a friend) I admire myself for being creative and being able to see the light side of even the darkest scenario. I am healing myself and getting my life back with help/love and understanding. Thank you ,
Mike, the lover, the writer, the joker, the fighter.
I used to be a healthy, fit sporty individual, until it all fell apart on Dec 31st 3 YEARS AGO. I have lesions on my brain which is why I can't be sure of the year, as my memory is banjaxed. I was an actor/singer/dancer with a satisfying career, I lived from this and loved doing it. A typical day for me was to get up at the crack of mid-morning, spend a couple of hours promising myself I would really mend my ways, & recovering slowly but surely from the previous nights excesses/ fun & froliks. I would then run through the lines for a play in my head, as I prepared a healthy breakfast of good things. Then I would canter down the four flights of steps to my letter box to see if I had received any goodies in my postbox. I expected cards from exotic places, sent by close friends, and/or distant farflung foreigners. My friends know my tastes and these cards would be used to decorate my beautiful sunny appartment, which was already decorated with cheap richness & jewels & images to within an inch of its Parisian life. Of course it being the holiday season, I expected glittery cards to continue, to add to my collection. But, I digress, and if I continue to go off on a tangent, you will probably go off in a huff. And mother nature in her wisdom, has her partical physics down to a fine art, and never the twain shall meet.
So back to a typical day: I would make myself presentable-enough to meet the world, feed & clothe my body, and check electronic & snail mail for stimulation & surprises and head to the metro (subway). I would go by train to a meeting point where I would liase with Nicki, a franco-American actress and Creative/Artistic director of the OZ theatre company- an English language theatre company specialising in TIE (theatre in Education). Then we would drive to some school in the Greater Paris Region and we would chat, exchange, & recreate the world, and find our way through morning traffic to the designated school. When we eventually found it, and discoverd where we were to perform, we would drive to the nearest door and unload the portable set & costumes. While Nicki had done all the driving, I generally did most of the hauling and carrying-"a man's job". And we set up our beautiful portable set to change a sports hall or a dining room into a theatrical space. While Nicki did her hair & Make-up I did some physical and vocal warm ups. And the Magic began. Nicki & Mike became Little & Big and danced/sang /acted their way through several Fairytales & Nursery rhymes, to the joy and fascination of several incredulous 7-12 yearolds who laughed and clapped at the appropriate moments. They also bood the Wolf or the Ogre, and shivered in excitement as the Ogre growled Ominously "I'm Hungry....."
Each show lasted 45 MINS and we then spent 20 mins or so talking to the kids & encouraging them to sing, ask questions in English. It was fun & exhausting, & rewarding, like my life in general. We did one or two shows per day- So I was exhausted, but fit & fulfilled.
This was how my days were filled. In the evenings I usually performed at the theatre, in some serious play by prestegious playwrites such as Beckett/ Wilde or Pinter or Shakespeare. And on the nights I didn't have a play I worked as a barman in a Jazz cellar in Montmartre. So in a way, it's not so surprising that my body cried out Halt, and I went into a coma, due to Meningitic Encephalitis, and spent the next year and a half in various hospitals. When I got out of the coma, I could no longer walk, talk or control even my most basic bodily functions.... yes , you got it.... And for a while I couldn't eat nor drink nor breath so I was wired up to all sortsa contraptions to keep me alive.
Ready for some good news yet? well today, I went to "La Casa del Tango" and danced with some wonderful women. And I ate & drank to my heart's & bellies delight.
I still have to take 17 pills each day, have physiotherapy three times a week and can no longer live in my beautiful glitzy appt. on the fourth floor. Now I live in whats called an ACT ( very apt for an actor) and have a small one-roomed appartment in a block of 12 apparts. run by a team of people ranging from the exceptionally competent & fabulous to the dismally dubious and Awfully abysmal. The other inmates of this outfit also range from the psycopathically pathetic to the amazingly awsome, and I have made new friends and foes.
I now have a photo ID card that says I am 80% handicapped and with each passing day I manage to prove this right and wrong to varying degrees. I am hemiplegic on the left side.
I still grieve my lost health but am aware of my luck to be stubborn & resilient, If I was given this challenge, Somebodyelse, perhaps less capable was spared.(perhaps a family member or a friend) I admire myself for being creative and being able to see the light side of even the darkest scenario. I am healing myself and getting my life back with help/love and understanding. Thank you ,
Mike, the lover, the writer, the joker, the fighter.
Access: Public
Hey!
We ain't dead yet, Baby, and I'll send you a flashy postcard!
XOX
MY guardian Ladybear, I just posted this & you read my mind. Hey, ready for some more good news-seems like I'll be moving back to glitterland on the 4TH FLOOR. It should happen in the next few months. So Any glitter should be sent to 60 RUE DE Meaux 75019 Paris. love you , spydermonkey69
SInce it won't happen for a few months, Please just remind me of the new addy
when it does happen.
If I put this new one in my book now, I'll be sending things there before you've moved!
XOX
both adresses work, so even at 60 RUE DE MEAUX, MY STUFF GETS FORWARDED TO HERE. Cause it's my fiscal address and loads of important stuff goes there, but of course I will keep you and all my friends informed,
XOXOX
Mikey Dee
You feisty, adorable man! You rock big time my friend! I love to send glittery and flashy cards and so yeah, keep us informed! Very cool that you'll be moving back to your 4th floor digs…
I love your description of your shows … I hope that you'll be able to do more again … yes, please do more! Those sparkly Irish eyes of yours are a slice of life, me dear!
Mikey! This is f_ _king fab! Thank you for sharing this! I know you are amazing and you can be who and whatever you choose to Be! As I read this, I was on my way there…. I can imagine it all, and see and feel it. You are healing and Being the faerie you are meant to be….Ok enough gushing….
I am Love, Jeff
Dearest Mikey,
I'm so touched by hearing your story and I am soooo HAPPY you are here with us all to share it . I understand you must be still grieving about the losses but what I've seen from you so far Mike is your incredible spirit to heal and to fly again anyway. May be in different ways. I would love to hear what you've gained from this experiences, because I read something somewhere the other day : ''when one door closes, another one is opened”.
The older I get the more I realize how precious and fragile life is (I mean this earthy bodily existance) and at the same time how Great our Spirits are. Being thankful and express Gratitude has become an import factor in my life.
You bet I am going to search for cards with LOTS of Sparkles to initiate your return to your 'Paris Saloon.' Well, we're not so far apart and my daughter keeps telling me, come on Mom let's go to Paris. It's been ages since I've been there, so may be who knows I'll be the postman in person one of these days.
There is an old song in Dutch (partly in french so you can understand) and they used to tease me with it when I was a child, it goes like this :
Paris, voila, daar heb ik nu een kleine vriend
Oh, hij is altijd zo vrolijk en blij
En vaak zegt hij tegen mij:
Pleure pas petite Lucienne puisque je suis ton ami
T'appele aussi la mienne, mouche tant né est souris
Sur le chemin de l'école les fleurs s'appelent ceci
Mais après le temps d'école la vie semblera comme un paradis
Pierre c'est joie a l'école sur un banc du lundi au samedi j'apprends
Mais j'ai si peur devant le professeur j'oublie ce que je sais par coeur
Le grand Robert, qui est toujours premier est assis tout juste à côté
Quand simple par il me dit gentiment: “Fait pas d'ou fait sens”
Kleine Lucienne droog je tranen
Kijk naar het mooie Parijs
Want met zijn bloeiende lanen
Lijkt het een droomparadijs
Kleine Lucienne je moet lachen
Dan zijn je zorgen er niet
Denk: “c'est la vie en vergeet je verdriet
Want je bent in Paris, oui, oui”
Ik ging al jong naar een school in Parijs
En ik leer daar mijn Frans heel goed
Maar brengt de leraar me soms van de wijs
Dan verlies ik weleens de moed
Maar ik ben blij met Robert aan mijn zij
Want hij staat me voortdurend bij
Ben ik verdrietig dan lacht hij me toe
En fluistert tegen mij:
Kleine Lucienne droog je tranen
Kijk naar het mooie Parijs
Want met zijn bloeiende lanen
Lijkt het een droomparadijs
Kleine Lucienne je moet lachen
Dan zijn je zorgen er niet
Denk: “c'est la vie en vergeet je verdriet
Want je bent in Paris, oui, oui”
So I'll remember that, Little Lucienne dry you tears and look at Beautiful Paris! And the same goes for you, Mike, just replace the name in the song with yours et voilá …
Waves of Love,
Lucienne
Lucienne, a dutchess & my personal postmistress. I would love for you and your daughter to come visit me in Gay Paree, that would be just smashing & fantarooney & fabuloso maximus
Mike
Mikey–Sorry to hear about how much you've suffered and what you've lost. I admire you so much…you're a true fighter and a jokester, and I enjoy that about you. You inspire and make everyone laugh (I remember some very funny poems from a few months ago). I thank you for all that you share with us here….and I hope that we get to meet someday!
Meanwhile….perhaps a postcard? Shall I just use the address you gave to LB?
Take care….X0X.
Have you found something precious to replace the fit sporty individual, lost? As I read this blog I felt the only thing that seems to have been misplaced has been the completely healthly physical body… the vibrant Mikey D. Spirit is still intact!
What a path you have walked with grace, agility, poise… the ultimate actor.. break a leg and all that… the performance of a lifetime… of life itself. The audience rises to it's collective feet and the ovation is deafening! Take your bow, Mike… we look forward to your next debut on the big stage of life!
Hugz!
Oh Friends, my life goes on, and since falling ill I have done 2 AMAZING PIECES OF THEATRICS( ones related to the theatre that is)
1. An American singer actress, friend of mine wrote & produced a Musical ” L'histoire de Sally McLaureen” which was in french but had an irish theme. So they wanted some irish dancing. I was in a wheelchair, but I got up and choreographed two numbers, one in the Irish Set Dance style & one in the American hoedown style. And because I limped when I showed the 8 singer dansers, how to do it, they assumed that “this was how it was to be done” . So it ended up being hilarious but quite beautiful.
2. My good friend Ursula, took me tango dansing regularly at the “Casa del Tango” and a group of regular tangeros decided they would like to mix theatre & tango. Trouble was they knew sweet bugger all about theatre but they were wise enough to ask me to direct it, which I did. it was a french farce called “par la fenêrte” by Georges Feydeau, and was written for one actor and one actress. So I found a rehersal space and we got down to work, and it was a pleasure for all involved- even the audience enjoyed it. We presented it three times in all and in three different places and there is now talk of setting up a n association, to take other plays and put tango in them, directed by me. and maybe even with me doing a role if there is a suitable one…. All the world is a stage-etc etc….etc
What a bonza bloke you are, and a rock. Yes, you ROCK. Reminds me of the story of the phoenix rising from the ashes. REBORN mate, is what I got outta this. Glad you are able to move back into your glitterland nest. Think of the handicap ID as a ticket to ride….a freebie thingy. We are all handicapped Mike. You have been rewarded for yours with an official piece of paper ….lolol.
I bet your colors glow more brilliantly since that fateful time and I bet you are even more lovable, and more funny, and more masterful with your gifts.
You fill me with courage and laughter. Thank you.
furry hugs
well youra a bonza babe, Sheilagh, & a JGoddess as well, nothing to be sneezed at, or your claws might come out
The other side of this Jaguar is a Bliss Faerie….ya know, my yin and yang thingy …..lololol….don't worry mate, and get your knickers in a knot, I don't hunt my friends…….lololol…..magic sparkles atcha.